So I’ve been thinking about the ultimate action game featuring characters that combine genre clichés to the max. By combining clichés and ripped off ideas with some juicy plot twists we can multiply the awesomeness and create the next FPS smash hit.
A disgruntled Russian general still mentally in the Cold War has teamed up with the North Korean government to unlock the secrets of some alien technology they discovered (probably in Antarctica). They decide to hire Al Qaeda to exhume the body of Adolf Hitler and deliver it to their secret base (probably in an extinct volcano or on an oilrig). They then use the alien technology to resurrect Hitler and have him lead an army of fellow zombies against the unsuspecting west. Too late they realise that Hitler is evil and cannot be controlled…shock, horror! It turns out he just wants to eat people rather than bring about a geopolitical transformation of the world…who knew?
He is a monosyllabic, muscle bound, ex-soldier who saw too much on his last tour of duty and has a serious obsession with weaponry. He returned to an ungrateful country to get a job as a cop where he was brutally shot by filthy immigrants intent on stealing his job, wife, underpants and eventually his very identity. He now has to follow the clues to find the person who was really behind the death of his partner, wife and children and probably his postman too. The only way he can save the world is to torture and murder every person he meets between his beer can littered caravan on the beach and the opulent marble palace housing the evil mastermind.
Our hero Griff McGraw or Bash Truckster or Wolf Loner (I haven’t got the name yet) will track down and kill a series of cheap racial stereotypes serving as sub bosses to a multitude of brainless drones who probably don’t have families or real lives or personalities, so it’s ok to violently kill them by the barrel load. To justify the murder we just need to put Nazi insignias on them or make them look foreign and sneery. As these evil cretins die on by one, like a set of increasingly big and scary dominoes falling over, we discover that Hitler is behind everything. He set the entire plan that created everything evil in motion before he died after striking a deal with some aliens to bring him back to life later and destroy mankind (they want a vacant planet even if it is slightly used).
As our hero fights his way into the gold plated fortress of evil Hitler comes clean via a series of pre-set projectors and the public address system. He killed our hero’s family and friends personally using an alien time machine and he’s just back from doing it with little Billy’s cap in his hand. Our hero goes absolutely mental for the final showdown, pounds Hitler into submission and with his dying breath Hitler reveals the final kicker – he is our hero’s father! Just pause for a moment and let that sink in.
Our hero now uses the time machine to battle Hitler through the ages from medieval times up until just before the original game. At the end we find out that Hitler was actually an alien all along and so was our hero!!!
Since crowdfunding is all the rage nowadays I’ve thought up a few rewards for donations.
- $100 gets you a really fast scrolling name at the end of the credits which no one bothers to read anyway because let’s face it that’s a drop in the ocean
- $1,000 allows you to add your own death rattle, record audio of yourself pretending to die a violent death and we’ll attach it to a faceless bad guy
- $5,000 and you can send us a photo of someone you really don’t like, with the magic of computers we’ll wrap it round the head of a previously faceless bad guy and they’ll be killed over and over by thousands of people around the globe
- $50,000 you’ll get a backstage pass to meet Hitler and the gang and hang out in their volcano, by which I mean you can meet the healthy complexion challenged team who created an approximation of what a zombie Hitler might look like
- $100,000 you can hang around in the dev studio and peer over people’s shoulders making irritating suggestions just like a real producer
- $1,000,000 we will model your every nook and cranny, record your voice and motion capture your distinctive movements so we can make you the hero of the game, y’know Trip MacKiller or whatever
I know what you’re thinking….we don’t have robots or ninjas in the game…FAIL!
Well hold on there a minute, we need some creative integrity here so we can’t throw everything into this. By the law of diminishing returns there will come a time when people don’t want to buy sequels to this game (I know it’s tough to believe) so we can reboot the series by changing the name slightly and turning the Nazi zombies into ninja robots. That’s right I’ve got the long term vision in mind here – you’ve got to see the bigger picture.
If you want to get in on the ground floor then send as much money as you can afford to send right now. I guarantee it will be put to good use.
I now invite your suggestions for names and general adulation.